We recently have had the dreaded D word pop up in our home. No not divorce but deployment. One that I spent months prepping for as I knew it was coming. Yet didn’t realize would kick me in the gut the day he left. I spent time giving myself pep talks on how not to cry. Don’t do that to him. Yet I failed. I cried. I realized the other wives were too. So I didn’t let bother me to much.
We had planned on another week of him being home before I got the call at four pm and was told he was leaving the next day. Gut wrenching. I wasn’t ready the boys weren’t ready and all I could do was melt. I had a party planned for him. Cancelled that. I knew I had to make the next however many hours we had left count.
We went to dinner with friends. Then came home and watched movies. I didn’t sleep. I was to busy making a mental checklist of the things I needed to do to get this to be a smooth transition for the kids. To make sure they were ok. That he had everything he needed. I worried about his flight. For those that know me know I hate flying and all things associated with flying. Yet I love to travel. I just worry.
The next day we find out he was getting an extra 24 hours. So we made the best of that. Same routine didn’t sleep. I kept thinking of all the what if’s and things that could go wrong. Having anxiety disorder does not help things. It has been a long time since I have had to take a break through anxiety med. Well we have. I remember as I got into bed and cuddled up on his chest trying not to let the tears flow that this was the last time I would be doing this for a long time. How that just sunk my heart.
The next day we got up early. We got ready to leave and say our final goodbyes. My boys were so brave. They tried their best to put smiles on the face but you could see they were dying inside. I think that made it a 100 times harder for me to see the pain in their little faces. We will make it through. I know that.
I remember standing at the car with Paul and asking how do you make a kiss last as long as we have too? How do you make a hug last that long? The answer is you can’t. I find myself looking for the little things. The few minute text messages. The few minute phone conversations. They have to fee your soul for the next bit until you can speak or text again. I have letters waiting to be mailed. they will be eventually. We have to wait for the go ahead. Until then I will keep writing and he will get a crap ton all at once.
We so miss him.