For the last two days I have been grilled on the last 7 years and 5 years of my children’s lives. From my pregnancy to how they are now. My boys have been observed and talked to at length with psychologist.
Sitting on that office I was immediately transported to 5.5 years ago when we got Blake’s diagnosis of Aspergers. I could feel the sweat on my hands and the waves of nausea hitting. A few times I would look away to regain my train of thought. Just so I didn’t miss a fact and an important one. We discussed Nathans transition to this school. I am hoping come September it will be better. With better teachers.Today was all about Blake.
The last two days have been overwhelming for me. I was trying hard to figure out why. Because I kept hearing phrases that is not what a typical child does.What strange and weird things do they do? What don’t they like? Why don’t they like this smell or this texture? It dawned on me today that while they were trying to figure out what makes my kids tic. They were also reiterating things we heard so long ago. That I had pushed to the depths of my being.
Yes I know my boys are different. Yes I know they can be obnoxious and overbearing. We are working on these things. We are working on getting things so they are more behaved and more social acceptable. It was bringing back days where people just stopped calling and disappearing because they can’t deal with my children. I know they are not the most easy children to do deal with. They are impulsive and say things a normal child shouldn’t and that is inappropriate.
I guess as a parent my insecuritiesall came back. The same insecurities that have been tucked away. Were released. I am not sure why I allow these things to bother me. I really don’t care what the doctor thinks of my parenting skills. I guess it boils down to the fact that our children are reflections of us. I know those boys have come a long way. They are doing phenomenally well compared to other children with the same diagnosis.I just hate the way this has eaten at me. I will have all reports within 14 days. I know nothing will change and the same diagnosis will be there. I think it is the way they question here is what made me so uncomfortable with it. It was more accusing than asking.
The fact remains I love these two little monsters more than life. I am ready for this testing to be finished. They are just another piece to this puzzle we call Autism.