Why my opportunity has passed me by. I wont be applying in April. Not because I don’t want to, well partly that. Mostly because I don’t have health insurance. I cant get another letter from a doctor. I had to call and beg my doctor back home for this letter. I have contacted gyms and yet they aren’t willing to work with me on a membership for reviews and postings, Ad space. Can I afford to go buy equipment nope. It has been cold and rainy here so not outside walking of the golf course behind the house. I have stepped it up with workouts but still not feeling like I have done enough.
What have I learned I am good at failing. No really I suck at being a wife and mom. I suck at promoting myself. I suck at writing. Doesn’t matter how hard I try to stay happy, to help others, to help myself. I FAIL!!! I am angry that I put myself out there and I wasn’t good enough. The thing that bugs me the most is I knew I didn’t have a shot at being top five or even one of the moms. I knew it deep within me but I remained hopeful and pushed the negative aside. My bio dads words ring in my ears years later that I will never amount to anything. I am here proving him right again. I really don’t want to pick myself up and dust my knees off anymore. I am tired of being knocked down. Tired of hoping and dreaming I will get my break. I ha vent yet. Paul and I have struggled for 3 years now. Everyday I get up and think things will be better. I found a groups where I throw myself in regardless if I fit in or not. I try. I still walk away feeling like this
After posting Sunday and have no responded till Tuesday when they weren’t even mamavation moms I knew then I was going no where more than just the applicant that failed to do more. I got four messages in dm don’t be mad. I am not mad at anyone other than me for putting myself out there and hurting me yet again. I am good at that. I know I sound like a baby and that’s OK with me. Honestly I can continue to cry at night and when I am alone and there is no one to see these tears.
I can continue to post about my progress because I will continue. I will move on and find my next project to fail. I listened to Pete Choens pod casts and videos. I listened to him on mamavation. When mamavation was done i got up went into my bathroom and wrote this on my mirror
apparently mine doesn’t shut up.So I will hug my duck and embrace my duck. In hopes it will quite down. I am not writing this for anyone other than me so I can get out my feeling move on and try to put a smile on my face and remember these lyrics. Charlie Chaplin’s smile. He hasn’t let me down yet. I got through with my dads death, I got through autism diagnosis, and more. I am sure I will get through this. I am just sad that my in life friends weren’t as supportive. I guess that is what it boils down to is that aside my husband I have no one i can pick up the phone to call because while i give I have yet to receive that same ear.
so I guess all that is left is to Smile
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by.
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun shining through
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying.
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.
I will keep plugging along until I find something that I am good at. Like I said I posted this for me. A place where I can have it safe and get it out. This is just my safe place. I am going to take Excedrin for my head. I am going back to bed and I am going to just be today.Today will be my pity party.I am entitled