For the past year I have been living with Guilt. I had a friend who was like a sister to me. I loved and adored her. We could laugh like no other. We have tried to save her from a horrific marriage. Honestly the only good thing was her beautiful children. I have their pictures through out my home. They are family.
I have to let go of the Guilt I have for walking away. I made my conditions clear to her as to why I would walk away. I had to do so as my heart could not watch the pain she would endure. there is nothing more gut wrenching than watch someone hurt and loose who they are because someone they love is hurting them.
So for the last year I have been dealing with do I reach out and let her know I still love her and when she able don’t be afraid to reach out. When you get yourself safe reach out. I have my routine every morning. It doesn’t change. I get the kids off to school, I make my 2nd cup of coffee. I sit answer emails, check facebook and then check ohio obituaries. If her name doesn’t appear then there is a chance she is ok. There is a chance she has not been injured so badly she has lost her life. I am scared for her and her children.
In August I think I heard from a friend of hers out of the blue and I ignored it at first. Did I want to open this can of worms and hurt again. Truth was I have been hurting. I am missing a best friend. I am missing my giggle partner. The one who was going to help me through this deployment. That is deployment that is slowly killing me. SO I responded. I made sure to let her know that I loved her and would be here when she was safe and away from her hurt. I had written a letter and sent it off. God works in mysterious ways It got sent back to me. The same day I received a message that she was staying. It is currently sitting in my closet.
IF I had JR setting in front of me today here is what I would tell her:
JR I love you greatly. You and I are alike in so many ways. I miss my best friend. The one who understood everything about me. Who I could share my secrets with and know they were safe. Who knew how to make me laugh even in my darkest of days. Who I could count on.
I am so extremely sorry our last day talking was spent being angry. The only defense I had left after seeing all the evidence lined up was to walk away. I know you were scared. I know you had so much going on. I truly Hope that you can find peace and happiness. I hope you can find your way to do it alone and raise those babies so you are all so happy. Know that I love you. Know that I pray for you each morning and each night you go to bed. That you will be safe and your burdens will be lifted. That you will be led to right path. The one that will show you the strength and courage that you do have. The one that shows you the fight that you have in you. That you voice that allows you to know yourself worth will rise above the voice in which that has tried to mute you for so long.
JR I believe in you. I believe that you can be happy and deserve to be happy and live the dreams that you wish. I hope that you can.The guilt I have lived with from walking away and crying at night has been endless. That I know I tried and yet I couldn’t save you from yourself or your fears. The Guilt I have carried for so long. I have to let go. In working as a battle buddy for a military wife whose story is so similar to yours has allowed me to heal some. Has allowed me to know that it is ok to love you and pray for you. It has allowed me to know that is ok to write this letter and know that one day should you choose to reach out I can do so with open arms. To give you the hug and tell you I am proud of you for trying. I hate the time hop ap on my phone it brings back the memories and plans we had. It makes me cry and feel alone. There are times I wanted to pick up the phone and say I am sorry for walking away but I couldn’t watch you hurt. There are times I have wanted to pick up the phone and tell you about my struggles with this deployment and how shitty in fact Kansas is.
JR know that I am here if and when you are ready. I will continue to pray. for you and the kids. I will continue to hope you are safe and that you feel love. When you stand outside and feel the breeze that is me sending you a hug. When you look up at the moon and stars know they are carrying my prayers to you.
I miss my friend. I miss my sister. I miss giggling until we cry. When I drive through starbucks you are thought of often with how crazy are we going to make this barista today. Love you little momma. xoxo