Today was a beach day for us. We went to Old Saybrook and it was really packed. Not fun. We had a blast anyways. The kids went body surfing, boogie boarding and tried to dig for clams. They werent successful in the latter part of it.
I watched as they played. My mom and her girlfriend talked. Yet it was like I wasn’t there to them. My mom was supposed to hang with us tonight. Yet she dropped us off and went out again. I feel like everyone is trying to escape my kids. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like we don’t matter. I have seen my mom at most 16 hours this week. She is unemployed. She is always gone. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I don’t expect her to be here all the time just follow through with what she said she was going to do. My kids miss her and the boys. I don’t know. My grandparents said to my brothers that they are going to take them away for a week to get a break from my kids. I guess this isn’t helping my mood.
When we say we miss Paul, we get eye rolls. So I try not to say anything to any of them. Just smile. Yet they don’t realize when I lay my head down on my pillow at night I cry because I feel all alone in this big world. That my kids and I are fighting to keep our heads above water and make it through this. I miss my husband more than I can express. My heart hurts a little more each time the kids state “When will we see daddy?” or “I miss daddy can we go see him” I wish it were that simple. I sit here with tears streaming down my face because I don’t know how to make this easier for them. I am trying to keep them entertained. I am trying to keep them happy and yet I feel like I am failing. I hate to be such a downer. I hesitate to even post this. I guess I want to be able to look back at this and say yes we had the strength to do this because right now I don’t feel that way.
I guess part of me feels this way because I cook family meals. My kids and I sit alone. We have eaten 3 times as a family. My brothers do everything they can not to be here. For our family, dinner is the most important part of the day. We sit and discuss what happened that days a family. We make plans for the following day or the weekend. It is just a time where there are no interruptions. I cant get any of them away from their technology.
I cant wait to make my family whole again and not be so crazy here. Not to feel like I am looking from the outside in.
I hope you all have had a fab weekend. I am off to Winsted tomorrow. I am sure I will have great adventures to share. Three little kids all adhd. Two grown woman who laugh until we pee. This should be fun! Then we come home and have a party for Blake. Then I have the house to myself for a week yet again!